Blank…

Nothing…

Empty…space…

I had a kind of plan as to what I should blog about.  

For a spilt second I just hesitated writing the word blog.  why?  it sounds stupid.  Its geek pie haircut. what does it threaten in me.  why did I use threaten?  am I threatened? by a word? I guess it…can’t find the word, I will probably trail off now, another pointless thought lost.  I really shouldn’t bother trying to figure my self out so much.  god I wish I wasn’t so self obsessed.  its a pain in the arse.  it can’t be helpful to those around me.  it must be a pain in the arse to them too.  but yet they stick around.  A quote: at 20 you care what others think about you, at 40 you don’t care what others think about you, at 60 you realise no one was ever really thinking about you.  At 38 this seems to be coming true.

I wonder if this is the sort of stuff The Rules was hoping for.  will this mindless nonsense help the revolution?  Apparently I am part of a bigger plan,  just one species amongst many at the mercy of a power far more complex and unpredictable than we can ever imagine.  so who knows? 

Naomi Klein wrote that bit about species among many, she’s clever, attractive.  I would.  how course, at my age…have I learnt nothing.  she speaks of her children, that’s nice, homely, motherly.  thank god for people like her.  in my most awake moments she is a rare flower at full blossom sent from the great unknown to spread the sent of enlightenment.  reading that back, its pretentious and shit. but I mean it. that’s good enough. 

the title of this blog – hesitated again, was going to say ‘piece’ but that’s worse – came into my head when waiting for my train to pull away and take me to work.  I make a point of saying the train hadn’t left the station. I don’t know why.  probably something to do with the fact I have no idea how to write.  is it a story, or an article, a review.  they all jumble up to me.  a university lecturer once told me I write particularly well and I once scored 93% on a paper. it was used to help struggling students.  it means nothing. I didn’t finish the first year.  I don’t finish anything.